Saturday, August 22, 2009

I miss innocence

I miss the innocence I had
when I was 18 years younger
and had no worries about the world,
no negative feelings other than sad or bad,
when the world was full of wonders(it still is).
I miss the honest confessions of feelings
of fear or being upset.
I miss all of that and more
I miss the innocent questions I once raised,
which made elders smile or laugh out loud.
I miss the innocent friendships I had with
most of the people around me,
whether old or young.
I miss my childhood, for there
was so much more to discover then,
even though it appears that my mental horizons have broadened since.
The honest curiosity, the innocent eyes, and the state of bliss
I miss them all and more.
It was a beautiful world, it still is.
But only now, I am an outsider
rather than living inside it.
I look at kids asking beautiful honest questions
and it makes me want to become a child once again.
The feelings of hatred, jealousy and complexes cloud
my mind,
and make me think ill of others.
What good is it to do that,
nothing more than a mental satisfaction
of being better than others.
And is that at all true,
can it ever be true?
Never, for we were all born with the same brains,
same eyes, and mouth and ears and nose,
the only difference was our minds.
And after the age of 16 I imagine,
it has been us who has either damaged or polished it.
Being innocent as a child is something I want to do,
for only a child can learn and grow,
we elders seem to think we know it all, and thats the end of learning!

Friday, August 21, 2009


So I just realized that there are 6 billion+ people on this planet (quite literally, yet metaphorically) and I would have interacted with about 600 of them , either digitally or in person. Its like this interconnected world, yet all I think is about myself. Its weird, the dynamics of life..(not grammatically correct) Somehow I get into this college, and somehow I meet people online who're going to be going there with me... and then plans are made to meet up. And we do meet. Some we remember , some we don't, I mean, some stay your friends and some are just acquaintances whose path you crossed once in your lifetime. How many people in this world would be such acquaintances be?
Some you think will be your best friends and things will stay like that for a long time, if not forever. And yet they go out of your lives faster than you can snap your fingers. And some, whom you don't even notice at the first glance literally stay forever. One can keep thinking about what could have happened if things had not folded out in the manner they did.  But the fact remains that one CANNOT control/ monitor all the different relationships, including, family, friends, teachers, acquaintances, colleagues etc.) 6 billion+ parameters as one wishes.
Why I am writing this, actually even I don't know.. but I guess thats the point of a blog, penning down thoughts (digitally) which may not make sense now, but after a few visits, are understandable, or even profound. Well, thats not actually the only reason for writing this blog, I mean, I am wishing that someone somewhere in the world would read it and respond in the positive or negative, and then would begin another friendship. Btw, you are allowed to think that I am a crazy person... cause, well I am, and weird too :)

Friday, August 7, 2009

exploring options in life

So for the past 3 years, I have had this dream of becoming a physicist. And about 3 days ago, my friend suggested that I keep my options open and not just narrow down my life to becoming a researcher. Now that really hurt; I've made so many promises to everyone around me that I'm not going to settle down for a 9 to 5 job, its just not made for me, and now, I might have to break them, for I may like something else.

So the point is that at what stage of life can one be sure about a choice and close the other doors, and should one even do that? I am studying Physics at an undergrad level from a U.S. university right now, and see myself as doing research in a university 10 years from now. The journey from the present to the future dream constitutes a bachelor's degree, a master's and a PhD in Physics. I truly love physics and don't really see a problem in all this except for the fact that maybe one day, I might not want to do what I want to do right now. If you're reading this post, it maybe kind of confusing, but try to follow if you've ever faced a similar situation. So anyways, what if I want to get into community service? What will happen to my plans then?
Its scary to think about this, irrespective of the fact that I'm usually pessimistic. I mean, what if it really does happen? How will I answer myself?

The solution really maybe does lie in the problem itself (okay, I just wrote that cause it sounds good). Anyways, I made one decision at one point of time in life, and now, if things change- including space, time and people around me, then maybe, the choices change too. I changed from wanting to becoming a computer scientist to a physicist in like 6 months during my 11th grade. and maybe down the line, I might want to do something different than Physics. It'll probably depend on the situation then. but, ah, the core principles will guide me. The want/craving for understanding the truth about things will not change. That thought really comforts me. For, well, I really cannot see the future, and at present, really don't want to see it. But if the assurance that I shall stick to my core principles of honesty, doing the right thing, and the spirit of enquiry into the truth, is there, I can perhaps leave things to fate. Hmm... that's a very very strong thing coming from me, who has always been very steadfast on living life in a certain direction...
yes, very tough indeed. Plus the unfortunate truth that I don't plan much. Ah well, I shall have to deal with it sometime soon :)

Btw, nothing's constant, except for truth :)