Deepawali in a Blackhole

Deepawali, or Diwali as most people call it is the festival of lights. It is very much an integral part of my life, much like anything else thats Indian. In fact, I didn't realise how important celebrating these festivals were until I realised that I wouldn't be able to do that in my own home country for at least the next 6 years. The puja, the Aarti; specially the aarti. Singing of bhajans, in our mandir, doing puja together as a family. It all became so regular, that maybe, I started taking it for granted.

Well, anyways, this year I celebrated Diwali in perhaps the most unusual manner ever. I went to a professor's place, ate Indian delicacies, danced, laughed, played games, and missed home. And then, then the magic happened. I went to my grad student friend's place. That really was like a Diwali away from home. There were six guys there, and I was the only girl, it felt kinda weird at first, but oh well, life is such.

Anyways,

So they lit up diyas (lamps) and took them near the pool. It was fun, and what added to that fun was ... well the fear of the fire alarm that could go off any second. I just couldn't stop laughing and being anxious at the same moment. Nervous laughter, one may say, no. It was much more than that, it was recognition of the fact that I was in a foreign country, doing something completely Indian, the feeling of being Indian, while standing on a foreign soil.

And then, we attempted to make pakodas. The guys had kept everything ready. But no, since I was the only girl there, I had to take charge, hadn't I? Well... I actually spoilt the whole thing. Like really, I did. I feel sorry about that. Hmm. I diluted the besan mix too much ...

in the end though, thank goodness those guys ... well (obviously ;) ) were smarter than me and decided to add more besan (kinda like dough). And things turned out well.

Then we all sat down to eat. We had, gol gappe, halwa plus some more stuff. It was soo good.

And then!

Someone picked up the guitar, another guy on the drums, and everyone was ready to roll with some Indian music. We sang... oh it was so nice. That was like bliss. In my mind, it was hard to believe that I was in the U.S. I kept thinking, this is what I would have been doing if I was living in a hostel in India.

Anyways, IT WAS GOOD, GREAT AND EVEN BEST! one of the best Diwali celebrations..

I miss that feeling (of being Indian, not that I am not). I don't really know if its an identity crisis. Well, I think its not, cause I know that I am Indian and I have come here to study Physics, and thats that, nothing more. But, when I am not studying physics? Then what? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel?

These people here don't make me feel alien, yet they don't consider me as friends. It hurts. It really hurts. At times, I think that if I would have stayed back in India and completed my studies there, I would have formed deeper friendships. Hmm, but I can never trade the bliss I feel when I do study Physics here, or even mathematics, or actually, when I understand anything here. Its just great. So, basically, everything has a cost associated with it. And each of us humans on this planet is performing a cost-benefit analysis with each major decision we make. I didn't really think too much about coming to the U.S. I didn't really weigh the cost over the benefits. All I thought of was that I was going to study Physics, and this country teaches it well, which in fact it does. But after coming here, I realised that life is not just about learning a subject. One learns about life ... I mean, Life is not just about one single thing, it integrates a lot of things. I would not have met the friends I have right now (and these people are just awesome) had I not come to the U.S. Maybe one can't control these things. Maybe one can. I don't really know.

As one of the famous quotes said-

'If you want to lead a happy life, tie yourself to goals, not to people or things. '

I know at least three people who would disagree with this. They think that people bring happiness to them. But

But

What about the fact that, life is very unpredictable? I maybe friends with you today, and the next day, we have a big fight, something which just cannot be solved, and we end our friendship. What happens then? Isn't it harder to move on ... if one is too attached?

So anyways,

the conclusion is that I am still stuck in this black hole, it is full of mysteries which I will discover, some I have discovered already. But I don't belong here. This is not home (and Ritika, you know what I mean :) )

Why am I here? (Part 1)

WARNING: This entry may not talk about space, blackholes or any of that kinda cool stuff, so if you're looking for that, you can skip this entry.

So I have been wondering.... Why am I here? In the U.S.? for physics comes the answer. but is that enough. I do love physics and all, but it forms only 30-40% of the time I spend here. The rest of it... I don't really know what happens to it.

Its kinda weird. I am sitting in my dorm room, and I feel jealous of my friends studying in college back home in India. I am jealous, there's no denying that. But, as I browsed through some of the pics of these friends, I noticed something that I couldn't explain or understand. It was the shrinking of the bubble that any person has around him/her for his/her personal space. I was kind of surprised at how small that bubble had become in the Indian college going students. But maybe its because they are very genuine people and such things don't matter to them. I don't know, and probably won't ever know. I feel like I live on no man's land. Neither can I go back right now to my country (because I chose this path, and for the sake of integrity which I value a lot, I will not go back before my studies end here) nor can I blend into the crowd here ( I cannot accept a lot of values that exist in this culture). Its not like an identity crisis, I know that, but its confusion nonetheless. I don't know what to do. I do not think of physics all the time you know, I am not that dedicated. But I don't know what to do when I am free.

This is why I like blackholes, this is why I am here!

So I made this presentation on singularities (that I had created it like 2 years ago) today. It wasn't one of the best shots I could have given, but it definitely gave me the excitement I was looking for in Physics.

For all of those who do not understand what a singularity is, it is basically a point on the graph of a mathematical function at which the function is undefined. The simplest example is y=1/x . As you approach 0 from the left, the function tends to -infinity (read as negative infinity) and if you approach it from the left, it tends to +infinity. So what is going on at x=0? we do not know. But perhaps thats what science is all about. Admitting that you don't know something, but then trying to understand it. So ow does a singularity come into the discussion of black holes? Well, what exactly is a black hole, I don't really know. But from what I understand, it is a singularity, or has a singularity at its center. When a star collapses beyond a certain point, that is if its density reaches a value that is more than the critical density (some number that I don't remember right now and am too lazy to google it), it does not have the strength to escape its own gravitational pull. In fact, nothing has that strength (there are some exceptions), even light, a massless entity. So basically, density = mass/volume, and we know that the mass of a star is finite, then if its volume tends to zero, its density tends to infinity, and thats a singularity there and then! (I'll talk more about it if I can gather my thoughts in a better manner than how I just did).

Stephen Hawking thought of the reverse of the formation of a black hole and related it to the origin of the universe. An infinitely dense point of/in space-time got a kick start from somewhere ( I don't really know much about it, like was there a kick-start kind of thing, but that is my assumption/opinion/take on this situation). And that dot just expanded into the universe we see today. Thats just very interesting.

Just in case I forget, I also saw the Moon and Jupiter and its 4 or 6 moons tonight through a telescope that rests (during the day) on top of the Math Science Building, 9th floor at UCLA. I must tell you, it is one of the most beautiful feelings int he world. I am so in love with the moon. No wonder Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and other Apollo astronauts agreed to risk their lives to go to the moon. Just looking at the moon transports you to a different world that is so different and far off from this beautiful planet of yours. It also gives you a sense of belonging to this planet, you feel like you have a responsibility on your shoulders to take care of it. Would it not have been even more beautiful had it not been touched by man and been drilled into to construct steel skyscrapers?

I just want to end this by saying what I wrote down a couple of years ago in my diary-

My future remains unclear,

As dark as Space itself,

or as misty as fog.

However, the specks of light,

that shine so bright,

the Stars, Nebulae & Planets

raise a hope in me.

They inspire me to reach out to them,

and to conquer my fears.

For man could never reach the moon,

if he had feared the dark black of Space.

I miss innocence

I miss the innocence I had
when I was 18 years younger
and had no worries about the world,
no negative feelings other than sad or bad,
when the world was full of wonders(it still is).
I miss the honest confessions of feelings
of fear or being upset.
I miss all of that and more
I miss the innocent questions I once raised,
which made elders smile or laugh out loud.
I miss the innocent friendships I had with
most of the people around me,
whether old or young.
I miss my childhood, for there
was so much more to discover then,
even though it appears that my mental horizons have broadened since.
The honest curiosity, the innocent eyes, and the state of bliss
I miss them all and more.
It was a beautiful world, it still is.
But only now, I am an outsider
rather than living inside it.
I look at kids asking beautiful honest questions
and it makes me want to become a child once again.
The feelings of hatred, jealousy and complexes cloud
my mind,
and make me think ill of others.
What good is it to do that,
nothing more than a mental satisfaction
of being better than others.
And is that at all true,
can it ever be true?
Never, for we were all born with the same brains,
same eyes, and mouth and ears and nose,
the only difference was our minds.
And after the age of 16 I imagine,
it has been us who has either damaged or polished it.
Being innocent as a child is something I want to do,
for only a child can learn and grow,
we elders seem to think we know it all, and thats the end of learning!

Hi,

So I just realized that there are 6 billion+ people on this planet (quite literally, yet metaphorically) and I would have interacted with about 600 of them , either digitally or in person. Its like this interconnected world, yet all I think is about myself. Its weird, the dynamics of life..(not grammatically correct) Somehow I get into this college, and somehow I meet people online who're going to be going there with me... and then plans are made to meet up. And we do meet. Some we remember , some we don't, I mean, some stay your friends and some are just acquaintances whose path you crossed once in your lifetime. How many people in this world would be such acquaintances be?

Some you think will be your best friends and things will stay like that for a long time, if not forever. And yet they go out of your lives faster than you can snap your fingers. And some, whom you don't even notice at the first glance literally stay forever. One can keep thinking about what could have happened if things had not folded out in the manner they did.  But the fact remains that one CANNOT control/ monitor all the different relationships, including, family, friends, teachers, acquaintances, colleagues etc.) 6 billion+ parameters as one wishes.

Why I am writing this, actually even I don't know.. but I guess thats the point of a blog, penning down thoughts (digitally) which may not make sense now, but after a few visits, are understandable, or even profound. Well, thats not actually the only reason for writing this blog, I mean, I am wishing that someone somewhere in the world would read it and respond in the positive or negative, and then would begin another friendship. Btw, you are allowed to think that I am a crazy person... cause, well I am, and weird too :)

exploring options in life

So for the past 3 years, I have had this dream of becoming a physicist. And about 3 days ago, my friend suggested that I keep my options open and not just narrow down my life to becoming a researcher. Now that really hurt; I've made so many promises to everyone around me that I'm not going to settle down for a 9 to 5 job, its just not made for me, and now, I might have to break them, for I may like something else.

So the point is that at what stage of life can one be sure about a choice and close the other doors, and should one even do that? I am studying Physics at an undergrad level from a U.S. university right now, and see myself as doing research in a university 10 years from now. The journey from the present to the future dream constitutes a bachelor's degree, a master's and a PhD in Physics. I truly love physics and don't really see a problem in all this except for the fact that maybe one day, I might not want to do what I want to do right now. If you're reading this post, it maybe kind of confusing, but try to follow if you've ever faced a similar situation. So anyways, what if I want to get into community service? What will happen to my plans then?

Its scary to think about this, irrespective of the fact that I'm usually pessimistic. I mean, what if it really does happen? How will I answer myself?

The solution really maybe does lie in the problem itself (okay, I just wrote that cause it sounds good). Anyways, I made one decision at one point of time in life, and now, if things change- including space, time and people around me, then maybe, the choices change too. I changed from wanting to becoming a computer scientist to a physicist in like 6 months during my 11th grade. and maybe down the line, I might want to do something different than Physics. It'll probably depend on the situation then. but, ah, the core principles will guide me. The want/craving for understanding the truth about things will not change. That thought really comforts me. For, well, I really cannot see the future, and at present, really don't want to see it. But if the assurance that I shall stick to my core principles of honesty, doing the right thing, and the spirit of enquiry into the truth, is there, I can perhaps leave things to fate. Hmm... that's a very very strong thing coming from me, who has always been very steadfast on living life in a certain direction...

yes, very tough indeed. Plus the unfortunate truth that I don't plan much. Ah well, I shall have to deal with it sometime soon :)

Btw, nothing's constant, except for truth :)

patience inside a blackhole (part 1)

Since... well there is no apparent end to a black hole once someone is inside it so... one must possibly have an infinite amount of time to introspect inside it.



Patience really isn't the abitility to do things slowly so that the end result is better than it would have been if the process would've been faster. Patience actually is about accepting the fact that certain processes in this world/universe will take their own time... to well process stuff. Like a mango tree will not grow until say 3-4 years after its seed has been planted, similarly, certain things require time. And this I have realised by working at NPL. We simply can't control (all) things around us. When a ceramic pellet, topped with silver paste is kept in a furnace, it will take 4 hours for the oxides to burn out at 650 degrees celsius and the surface of silver to smoothen out. Maybe there's a way to reduce this time, but the fact remains, that it will take time. You cannot do anything about that.